THE
ENGLISH SPY:
An Original Work
CHARACTERISTIC, SATIRICAL, AND HUMOROUS.
COMPRISING
SCENES AND SKETCHES IN EVERY RANK OF SOCIETY,
BEING
PORTRAITS
DRAWN FROM THE LIFE
BY BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
THE ILLUSTRATIONS DESIGNED BY
ROBERT CRUIKSHANK.
By Frolic, Mirth, and Fancy gay, Old Father Time is borne away.
LONDON:
PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, JONES, AND CO.
PATERNOSTER-ROW.
1825.
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE{*} TO THE REVIEWERS.
"But now, what Quixote of the age would care To wage a war with dirt, and fight with air?"
Messieurs the Critics,
After twelve months of agreeable toil, made easy by unprecedented success, the period has at length arrived when your high mightinesses will be able to indulge your voracious appetites by feeding and fattening on the work of death. Already does my prophetic spirit picture to itself the black cloud of cormorants, swelling and puffing in the fulness of their editorial pride, at the huge eccentric volume which has thus thrust itself into extensive circulation without the usual cringings and cravings to the pick fault tribe. But
I dare defy the venal crew that prates, From tailor Place* to fustian Herald Thwaites.{**}
* The woolly editor of the Breeches Makers', alias the "Westminster Review."
** The thing who writes the leaden (leading) articles for the Morning Herald.
Let me have good proof of your greediness to devour my labours, and I will dish up such a meal for you in my next volume, as shall go nigh to produce extermination by surfeit. One favour, alone, I crave--give me abuse enough; let no squeamish pretences of respect for my bookseller, or disguised qualms of apprehension for your own sacred persons, deter the natural inclination of your hearts. The slightest deviation from your usual course to independent writers--or one step towards commendation from your gang, might induce the public to believe I had abandoned my character, and become one of your honourable fraternity-the very suspicion of which would (to me) produce irretrievable ruin. Your masters, the trading brotherhood, will (as usual) direct you in the course you should pursue; whether to approve or condemn, as their 'peculiar interests may dictate. Most sapient sirs of the secret bandit' of the screen, inquisitors of literature, raise all your arms and heels, your daggers, masks, and hatchets, to revenge the daring of an open foe, who thus boldly defies your base and selfish views; for, basking at his ease in the sunshine of public patronage, he feels that his heart is rendered invulnerable to your_ poisoned shafts_. Read, and you shall find I have not been parsimonious of the means to grant you food and pleasure: errors there are, no doubt, and plenty of them, grammatical and typographical, all of which I might have corrected by an errata at the end of my volume; but I disdain the wish to rob you of your office, and have therefore left them just where I made them, without a single note to mark them out; for if all the thistles were rooted up, what would become of the asses? or of those
"Who pin their easy faith on critic's sleeve, And, knowing nothing, ev'ry thing believe?"
Fully satisfied that swarms of literary blow flies will pounce upon the errors with delight, and, buzzing with the ecstasy of infernal joy, endeavour to hum their readers into a belief of the profundity of their critic erudition;--I shall nevertheless, with Churchill, laughingly exclaim--"Perish my muse"
"If e'er her labours weaken to refine The generous roughness of a nervous line."
Bernard Blackmantle.
CONTENTS. Page INTRODUCTION 3
PREFACE, IN IMITATION OF THE FIRST SATIRE OF PERSIUS 5
REFLECTIONS, ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO CAN THINK.
Reflections of an Author--Weighty Reasons for writing-- Magister Artis Ingeniique Largitor Venter--Choice of Subject considered--Advice of Index, the Bookseller--Of the Nature of Prefaces--How to commence a new Work 7
A FEW THOUGHTS ON MYSELF 14
A SHANDEAN SCENE, BETWEEN LADY MARY OLD-- STYLE AND HORATIO HEARTLY 17
SCHOOL--BOY REMINISCENCES. ON EARLY FRIEND-- SHIP 22
CHARACTER OF BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. BY HORATIO HEARTLY 25
ETON SKETCHES OF CHARACTER 32
THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON--DOCTOR, DAME, COLLEGER, OPPIDAN, AND CAD. A Sketch taken opposite the Long Walk 42
ETON DAMES; AN ODE, NEITHER AMATORY, ILL-- NATURED, NOR PATHETIC 43
ELECTION SATURDAY. A Peep at the Long Chambers--The Banquet--Reflections on parting--Arrival of the Provost of King's College, Cam-- bridge, and the Pozers--The Captain's Oration--Busy Monday --The Oppidan's Farewell--Examination and Election of the Collegers who stand for King's--The aquatic Gala and Fire-- works--Oxonian Visitors--Night--Rambles in Eton--Transfor- mations of Signs and Names--The Feast at the Christopher, with a View of the Oppidan's Museum, and Eton Court of Claims 58
AN ETON ELECTION SCENE 59
HERBERT STOCKHORE, THE MONTEM POET LAUREATE.
A Sketch from the Life, as he appeared in the Montem Procession of May, 1823. By Bernard Blackmantle and Robert Transit 67
LIFE IN ETON; A College Chaunt in praise of private Tutors 68
RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD ETONIAN 78
ETON MONTEM 96
FAREWELL TO ETON 105
MY VALE 108
THE FRESHMAN. Reflections on leaving Eton University--A Whip--Sketches on the Road--The Joneses of Jesus--Picturesque Appearance of Oxford from the Distance--The Arrival--Welcome of an Old Etonian--Visit to Dr. Dingyman--A University Don-- Presentation to the Big Wig--Ceremony of Matriculation 113
CHRIST CHURCH COLLEGE. Architectural Reminiscences--Descriptive Remarks--Simi- litude between the Characters of Cardinal Wolsey and Napoleon 129
THE DINNER PARTY. Bernard Blackmantle's Visit to Tom Echo--Oxford Phrase- ology--Smuggled Dinners--A College Party described-- Topography of a Man's Room--Portrait of a Bachelor of Arts --Hints to Freshmen--Customs of the University 132
COLLEGE SERVANTS. Descriptive Sketch of a College Scout--Biography of Mark Supple--Singular Invitation to a Spread 146
TAKING POSSESSION OF YOUR ROOMS. Topography of a vacant College Larium--Anecdotes and Propensities of Predecessors--A Long Shot--Scout's List of Necessaries--Condolence of University Friends 151
THE EXCURSION TO BAGLEY WOOD 157
WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO THE METROPOLIS. A descriptive Sketch. General Views of the Author relative to Subject and Style --Time and Place--Perspective Glimpse of the great City-- The Approach--Cockney Salutations--The Toll House-- Western Entrance to Cockney Land--Hyde Park--Sunday Noon-Sketches of Character, Costume, and Scenery--The Ride and Drive--Kensington Gardens--Belles and Beaux- Stars and fallen Stars--Singularities of 1824-Tales of Ton- On Dits and Anecdotes--Sunday Evening--High Life and Low Life, the Contrast--Cockney Goths--Notes, Biographical, Amorous, and Exquisite 164
THE OPERA. The Man of Fashion--Fop's Alley--Modern Roue and Frequenters--Characteristic Sketches in High Life--Blue Stocking Illuminati--Motives and Manners--Meeting with the Honourable Lillyman Lionise--Dinner at Long's--Visit to the Opera--Joined by Bob Transit--A Peep into the Green Room--Secrets behind the Curtain--Noble Amateurs and Foreign Curiosities--Notes and Anecdotes by Horatio Heartly 198
THE ROYAL SALOON. Visit of Heartly, Lionise, and Transit--Description of the Place--Sketches of Character--The Gambling Parsons--Horse Chaunting, a true Anecdote--Bang and her Friends--Moll Raffle and the Marquis W.--he Play Man--The Touter-- The Half-pay Officer--Charles Rattle, Esq.--Life of a modern Roue--B------ the Tailor--The Subject--Jarvey and Brooks the Dissector--"Kill him when you want him" 205
THE SPREAD, OR WINE PARTY AT BRAZEN-NOSE. A College Wine Party described--Singular Whim of Horace Eglantine--Meeting of the Oxford Crackademonians --Sketches of Eccentric Characters, drawn from the Life-- The Doctor's Daughter--an old Song--A Round of Sculls-- Epitaphs on the Living and the Dead--Tom Tick, a College Tale--The Voyagers--Notes and Anecdotes 221